Dating advice September 12, 2010

So I was looking at some dating advice today because I realized over the weekend that I have very little faith in marriage.

It’ll make sense in a minute:  My mom was telling me that my cousin and her husband were getting a divorce, and I laughed and said, “Well there’s a big surprise.”

“Oh, do you know something I don’t?” she asked.

“Um, no, I just have very little faith in marriage.”

“Oh no, that’s terrible!”  She wailed.  “Oh God, because your father and I got divorced and now you don’t think that people can stay married….”

Shit, I felt bad.  I petted her head and told her that it was in no way her or dad’s fault and told her that I just know way too many people that are divorced or in shitty relationships.  If my beautiful, productive, smart friends and family can’t hold down a good relationship, what kind of chance do I have?  My corn snake is a better judge of character than I am!

I figured some dating advice articles would make me feel better, and, you know, for someone who spends a lot of time railing against fear culture, I sure do love me some red flag dating advice.  Even when I get a new For Dummies book, the first thing I look at is the section called “Top 10 Most Common Mistakes”.  Makes me feel like I have an edge, somehow.

Anyways, while I was reading about all the different things that should make me want to dump somebody, I noticed that the nameless dud in the articles was always male, except for How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk by First Things First  They squeezed in “jerkettes” so boys could come to the seminars, too.  I went to Askmen.com to see what kind of dating advice the guys were getting.  This article I clicked on had the tagline “This week’s questions come from readers who make themselves too available. David D. explains why you need to back off to turn women on.”

Wait a minute, I was just reading something about how I should dump a man who doesn’t make himself available.  So the girls are learning how to OMG RUN FOR THE HILLS, and the guys are learning how to HUNT THAT BITCH DOWN, YOU PANSY.

Okay, fine.  I’ll just marry my cat.

An apology to the angry MENZ July 10, 2010

On July 9th I authored a post called “Calling all Masculinists”, an opinion piece on some of the comments I saw under the MENZ article, “Feminism and World War III“.  I’ve done some research and soul-searching based on the feedback I’ve gotten, and I owe these people an apology for two things:

1) I asserted that I understood your anger at women, which is ridiculous, seeing as I’ve only just learned about the men’s rights movement.

2) I admonished that anger, which is a big faux pas when talking to ANYONE.  You don’t tell an angry person that their anger is wrong-what does that do?  It makes them angrier!

I don’t regret making the post because it’s been a learning experience, but I think I just managed to piss off the people I was trying to understand.  When you admonish a stranger for their view on something, you are effectively saying “all the experience and rationale that has brought you to your conclusions are invalid.  You must be mistaken.”  Hardly a way to make friends.

Now I’m wondering if I can take a stand on any issue that I don’t have a direct history with.  Perhaps, but I’m guessing that it would be wise in the future to learn more about a movement before making a judgement on its participants (much less TO the participants), and to be more careful about passing judgement, period.  You never know who’s on the other side of the computer, and to assume that you do isn’t very fair to them.

I thought I had a pretty good grip on the reason that these men would say things like “all women are psychopaths”, but that was just arrogance on my part.  My “aha!” moment came when I was watching this video on Youtube about the basics of the men’s movement.  For whatever reason, that’s when I asked myself to listen to the message as though I were a blank slate with no history in feminism, and, when I did, I felt….you guessed it: anger.  If I could feel this way-a single woman who’s never experienced these injustices-how did the men who had been wronged by it feel?  Then I knew it was time to put my literary foot in my mouth and apologize to these people for assuming I had any idea I knew what they had endured.

I do stand by my claim that blanket terms about any group of people are unfair.  However, I realize that it’s damn near impossible not to lump people into categories based on personal experience, and that, when I think about it, I do it all the time.  It’s nearly impossible not to.  It’s not fair to stereotype any group of people, but stereotyping seems to be deeply ingrained in all people as a defense mechanism.

So what to do?  I’m glad I wrote “Calling all Masculinists” because I’ve learned a valuable lesson, but damn if paradigm shifts don’t suck.  And how do I reconcile feminism and masculinism?  I agree with aspects in both of them, but one seems to work directly against the other.

I guess all I can do is to continue to approach issues with an open mind, and continue to seek the feedback of people from all sides of an issue.  That being said, its time for your voice to be heard: and the question is this: What are your suggestions so that I can avoid making this same mistake in the future?  Is it possible to fight for men’s rights and women’s rights without one oppressing the other?  You’ve got an opinion and I want to hear it, so click on the “leave a comment” button at the bottom right of this post and let me know what you think.

-Vanessa

Calling all Masculinists! July 9, 2010

Ho-ley cow.

I’ve been visiting masculinist sites, looking for friends to populate my links with, because all of my links right now are fat liberation/body acceptance/feminist blogs.  In my search, I realized something that should have been apparent since I looked up masculinism on Wikipedia;

Some of these people, ah, aren’t inclined to think kindly of women.  And by that I mean fiery burning napalm hate.

I’m currently reading an entry from menz.org.nz, otherwise known as MENZ Issues.  It was founded by the Men’s Center of North Shore, Inc., and is now an open forum for men’s issues in New Zealand.   The post is called “Feminism and World War III”, and my heart sinks even before I begin reading the comparisons between feminism, psychological warfare and WWII propaganda.  My roots with civil rights and equality started with feminism, so I was dismayed, but not exactly surprised, by the article.  I’m sure that particularly zealous feminist groups have employed tactics used in psychological warfare, but that can be said of any prominent, publicized group with an agenda.  People who agree with the message call it informative.  People who don’t call it propaganda.

As I said, the article didn’t really shock me.  The comments did. Some of them were thoughtful commentaries on child support, fathers’ rights, and divorce bias.  However, interspersed with these were statements of intense anger directed towards women.  I’ve copied and pasted some of them here, but I strongly encourage you to follow the link above and read them in their original context.

“I am no longer a man but a slave to the capricious and irrational and irresponsible women that populate this country. I can honestly say that I do not even like women anymore, and never want to have a relationship with one again. I really believe, based upon considerable study (and I am a scientist – ecologist), that most if not almost all women are disposed this way.”

“Here is a question for you. Besides giving birth and raising children have women EVER contributed much to civilisation?”

“It seems all women are capable of doing is ripping civilisation down with irrational and dishonest behaviour that has attacked Western civilization at the root.”

“Wisdom, reason, common sense, objective analysis of facts and data in compliance with the Scientific Method are all MALE traits. They all rely on LOGIC AND REASON. Not emotion.”

“All women are psychopaths. That’s not a nice thing to say because psychopaths are not nice, but it is true. When a girl enters puberty, a huge amount of resources are redirected from development of the central nervous system (including the brain) to the reproductive system.”

“I disagree with Dave that women want to have relationships with men. Women want to control and manipulate men. That is not the same thing as a relationship. A relationship requires mutual exchange of thoughts and ideas and information and cooperation and negotiation. Women are incapable of thought or ideas or exchanging information or cooperating or negotiating.”

I’m guessing that the authors of these comments are mostly disenfranchised fathers who have been raked over the coals in divorce court and now have to pay child support and alimony to someone who broke their heart.  I’ve said some pretty nasty things about men just because of petty little breakups with boyfriends.  I can’t imagine the rage and pain caused as you watch someone you built a life with be supported by your country’s legal system as they take away your children, your house, and a pretty big chunk of your money.

Look, guys, I understand (as much as a single, childless woman can understand the pain of a divorced father).  But I think that the kind of thinking expressed in the comments listed above is harmful to everyone involved.  And now I shall rant about it:

I don’t think it’s ever okay to lump every person of a certain distinction into one negative description.  First of all, that takes away the voice of the individual.  Second, it makes people feel like they’re on separate sides of a “war”, and a war between the sexes is the last thing we need.  Wait, that’s dumb.  War is the last thing we need, and it doesn’t matter what type.  Unless you’re a small arms dealer, in which case, war is great news.  That’s a whole different can of worms.

What I don’t get is the sense in anger and hate.  Okay, I’ll admit that being angry helped me complete my hike in record time today, but what good does being angry at a certain sex do?  You close yourself off from an entire world of human experience and information, not only by limiting yourself to one worldview, but also by turning people of that group off when they read nasty comments like those above.  That goes for feminists who rail about men being brutish and domineering; or straight people who bellow and snort and thump their bibles at gay people; or anyone who makes racist jokes.

If it sounds like I’m screaming “Why can’t we all just get along?”….well, yeah.  I am.

Learning about your rights and fighting unfair practices can be done without saying things that widen the gulf between the two “sides”.  It’s hardly fair to turn your back on an entire group of people just because a few of them hurt you.  Individuals!  People are individuals!

I am a woman.  I’m also a daughter.  And a writer.  And a wildlife enthusiast.  I love getting dirty and banged up and riding with the windows down while I blast zydeco music till my ears hurt.  I fight against inequality caused by gender differences, but I don’t blame it on men.  Hell, I’m not even really mad at the systems that reinforce harmful gender roles and pit the sexes against each other.  I just want to change it.

However, I can talk all I want, but it’s nothing without feedback.

What I really want is to hear from the masculinists floating out there in the web-o-sphere: How do you feel about the comments listed from the MENZ article, “Feminism and World War III”?  Do you agree or disagree with these views?  Why or why not?  What are some issues facing men that don’t get as much press as divorce court and paternity laws?  Comment and let me know what you think.

-Vanessa